how my brain works

Ramadhan is here and will be going away. It is only in this month one can submit with so much ease. Yet most choose not to do what they are supposed to do. And I am the biggest culprit of this sin! This year, somehow, I feel so lethargic. But I know it’s all from the heart. This heart was stained!!continuosly and there was not time to clean it!I mean there was time, but I thought it could be put to better use..wihsful thinking!!! cleansing of the heart has always been the first, but one can get confused easily as cleansing of the heart usually is out of the norm. and only those who know and knew, will comprehend and understand.

So Ramadhan, I know you know what i know and what i knew.

1 question that is difficult to answer unless you have attained ‘karma’! however to me life is…

to spread the word..

to spread love..

to spread goodness..

to eradicate evil as much as possible..

to be ready to be called back…

recently, i have read and heard a lot about murders, killings and infidelity.. what were they thinking??

anyway, what do these 3 things have in common?

they kill hearts, literally and metaphorically… dont they know that heart is life and life is heart…love comes from the heart.. spreading it comes from even deeper in the heart… heart is what makes you you… dont you think??

at least to me it is…although i am guilty of killing and hurting some hearts, i vowed not to hurt any more hearts… and that is the greatest and most difficult vow i have ever made.. but that is exactly how one can attain ‘karma’.. at least to me that is the best way to attain ‘karma’….

Next week is yet another ordinary week…

My June vacation is OVER!!! No leave and no holidays!!! This is so boring!!!

Anyway, my June is not so bad afterall. Completed my course on 8th June. Down for briefing on the 9th! and 11-13th June is the Outdoor activites for my Pri Sch Kids!!! Fun as you can imagine. But the tiredness is unimaginable!!! and before I can breathe, off i go to Batam for staff training.. All praises to Allah, I pulled all these well enough to get smiles on everybody’s faces!! Alls well ends well.

So no complains!! At least now I have no projects at hand. From the time I came into the company, I have been on my toes. Now time to be on my back and relax!!! hehehe

leisure, happiness, relaxation, satisfaction, contentment, fulfilment, gratification, delight, joy and bliss

is it really difficult to seize?

it is easier to cease!

and when they come, how long will they stay?

and when they stop by, what will it say?

when they dont come, success is slim?

when they dont come, agonising it seems..

its been a week since my first day in CD Academy taking the Company Commander’s Course. so they say, after this course I will command a company of 2 rescue platoons, made up of 50 or so men! wow! that’s a lot of ppl to mange. and to make things worse they will not perform to your expectations cos reservist is a holiday period/break from the hectic life at work!

now the question is, if ppl can jus enjoy reservist, y wld i want to go all the way to make the mark? is it me or is it them? m i jus passionate to lead? can i lead in the first plc?

reflecting how my life has revolved, i dont think i can b a good leader at all. i preached! but i dont practise! is that a good leader? of cos not rite? wat a rhetoric aand wat an irony!!!

anyway i thot of resigning from my current job and join the force. it seems so noble to be rescuing near death ppl.. however, all the while in the force, previously, i wld hope for an accident, a mishap and a big fire to happen… is that noble? and so it comes to me that man in general jus want to be in the limelight. wateva light it may be as long as others can c u, praise u, make u feel good, u will want to be in the light. some wld definitely disagree. in islam, u r thot to give all u have to b the best in wateva u do. definitely u’ll get the light if u r like that. n dat comes along with passion. so m i passionate or am i going after the light?

anyway, i m not having fun in the course at all.. my body is aching everywhere. i think age is catching up on me. i cant even pass ippt…hahaha…n u r asking me to lead a group of men, making sure they pass the rescue tests and fitness tests??? u are absurd i shld say…but hey, that’s ur job as a leader….

n so s i type this blog, i m massaging my back at the same time… hahaha…

life goes on…

the course will run for another 2 weeks!!! how i dread waking up in the wee hours of the day… jus to be there on time!!!

wat an attitude rite!!! i cant be a leader at all!!! pls c that… n i dont want any light shining on me!!!

hahahaha…

life goes on…

Time really zoom past.. It’s May now. Just felt that it was yesterday when I lay my fingers on this keyboard (at work)…

the mind began to wander… have I been working?? what do i work for anyway?? am i happy?? why shld i not?? but why shld i?? and the question leads back to the ultimate one, what is happiness?? hahaha… what a cycle??? amazing isnt it?? where ever you start, you will end up with the same thing.. the only difference is, how you get there and how fast u get there..

i tried to recap on how my life had changed since i started working.. and i realised that i have not improve myself…in fact, i am deteriorating.. in all aspects of life… and i hate this feeling….

only if i can gather back the strength to live like before…

now i am hoping for the year to end and start afresh next year… but wait till next year??? will i c next year???

hmmmm…

was listening to this song, nothing else matters by metallica and the past flashed back…pictures of the past appeared before me…happy moments, sad, thrilling, anxiety, agony, disappointed, betrayed, joyous, victorious… i have felt all of them before and it came back…

I guess experience had been a good teacher. fall down flat on the ground u have but every time u get stronger. stronger with what? i guess again; no adjectives nor adverbs can paint a clear picture of the feeling… u just feel it.

after a while u get numb with the feeling and u would say what is coming will come anyway… some ppl will never agree with this though…but u know urself…u get tired and felt lethargic…but somehow u know u have to stand up and fight… fight for what?.. whatever that is set for you to fight i guess…and so you fight… win or lose?? nobody knows… and in the end, day after day, month after month, year after year, you jus get stronger…

the time has come to pass time writing opinions online… so whoever reads my blog, pls agree to disagree with me… if you wanna comment, let’s agree to do it with an open mind… at the end of the day, nobody gets hurt..

that’s it for the very first entry…